Homestuck: Zeta
by Karkat-Vantas-Fuck-This-Shit
Summary: This is a story of how my friends and I go through the hardest and final version of SBURB. It is a work in progress, it's strange, and it's not going to have ancestors. Just very distinct and insane trolls. WIP, open to criticism, susceptible to change. Rated M for language and reference.


**Just a heads up, this is a Work in progress.**

**I will continue to update, fix, and take criticism throughout the time I am writing this.**

**I am a horrid writer, but this is in the making of becoming a fanventure.**

**Flash, gifs, and all.**

Homestuck: Zeta version

A dapper young man wearing a striped shirt is standing alone in his room. It just so happens that today, the 18th of February is this young man's birthday; and although he's lived sixteen years, it is only until now that he will receive a name.

What will the name of this young man be?  
SNARKY TOOL

Try again, smartass.

JOHN CERVANTES

Your name is JOHN. you are obsessed with OVERTHINKING SHIT. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You enjoy WRITING and VIDEO GAMES and fucking around with the GAY JOKES a bit too much. You have a passion for rather MYSTERIOUS AND THOUGHTFUL novels and very often get CONFUSED by the simplest of sentences. You have a fondness for MULTI-TASKING and watching DISTURBING SHIT. You also like to ROLEPLAY now and then and dabble in MOSHING. Your room is quite the FUCKING MESS, and every now and then you'll go to places and FUCK SHIT UP.

What shall you do?

EXAMINE ROOM

You look around your not so eventful room. There's a mattress just hauled out as though it were a homeless man dozing on the floor. Posters of random books you enjoy hang from each wall. Scott Pilgrim, Percy Jackson, Spiderman, and The Hunger Games. A few World War II posters dredge from the roof, and your bed is patterned with black and white stripes. You're a simple fella' and a gentleman of sorts. You're accustomed this fine evening to dawn your lovely apparel of a striped shirt, some old jeans, and a somewhat whimsical hat.  
This hat would go perfectly with a mustache!

== Search for sweet stache

You look around your room to find your chest of curiosity (Which is fucking ridiculous because this has been your room for sixteen years, it's probably where it was before and never lef-) AH THERE IT IS, where you've left it all these years in front of your bed.

You rummage around through there, checking assortments of random objects you see in there. A few Scott Pilgrim books, glasses, tennis racket, a machete, and a captchalogue card.

The mustache seems to be nowhere in plain sight, so you decide to allow the hat to shiver alone up there looking sexy as fuck.

*Pester log rings*

Oh look! It seems one of your friends wishes to speak with you, and by the sound of the ding you can tell they have not a minute to spare.

== John: Answer friend

- asshatXulonos [AX]began pestering wonderlessZephyr [WZ] at 09:04 -

AX: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIGGERTITS  
WZ: LOL, you seem pretty fuckin' excited about me turning sixteen.

AX: FUCK YEAH I AM. Two years until you're legal ;D

WZ: Wow, that's a long time to wait.

WZ: It better be worth it  
WZ: Dude, I swear if you have a small dick, I am killing you

AX: watch?v=sTatJm7Zfcc  
AX: Does that explain it to you yet?  
WZ: That's not funny  
WZ: My grandma died from having such a big dick

AX: At least she died with a hard-on

WZ: Alright, that's enough fucking around for now.

WZ: It couldn't get any more gay than that

AX: That's where you're wrong.  
AX: It could get so much gayer if we wanted it to  
AX: I bet it would get to the point where we actually meet up and start some shit  
WZ: Oh god, it's bad enough we talked about my Grandmother like that.

WZ: Don't go into fucking detail  
AX: Once upon a time, in a land far far inside your Grandmother's cunt  
WZ: Oh god  
AX: A devilishly handsome fellow was venturing

WZ: Don't do this man

AX: Deep within' the unknown layers of John's Grandmother

WZ: GOD DAMMIT CONNOR, CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT?  
AX: Fine  
AX: Did you get any presents dude?  
WZ: I was going to check, but then you started talking to me about my Grandma's dick and shit…  
AX: Then what the fuck are you waiting for?

WZ: You have a point…  
AX: What kind of Fetch Modi do you have?  
WZ: Oh shit…  
WZ: I don't know  
AX: Quickly! Captchalogue something!

== John: Something!

You decide to captchalogue those glasses that no one owns. No one in your house even wears glasses, what the fuck are these doing here?  
You captchalogue them and find out that you have the "Hide and Seek" Modus. Once you captchalogue something, it stays in your sylladex. When you wish to retrieve something it hides itself somewhere cleverly in your general area. This new finding encourages you to captchalogue more things. You retrieve the books and eject them out of your Sylladex.

Perfect!  
Oh shit, you remember that your father is down there.

You don't want to risk the chance of running into your father, so hopefully the items won't be too far away from you.  
Searching around, you find Scott Pilgrim: Volume 4 under your bed, that sneaky bastard! This is also your favorite of the entire series. You got lucky enough to find it just lying under your bed. It seems that Connor is growing impatient due to the incessant beeps that come from your computer.

== Answer that douche

AX: Jooohhhnnn  
AX: Come back to me  
AX: I'm more important than your porn  
AX: Wait, am I?  
AX: Guess that's why you aren't answering  
WZ: What the fuck are you rambling about?  
AX: Forget all that  
AX: What's your modus?  
WZ: Hide and Seek.  
WZ: I feel like this is going to be really fucking annoying real fast.  
AX: Dude, I had that modus when I was twelve  
AX: Upgrade your shit  
WZ: What modus do you have?  
AX: Sick one.  
AX: Bass.  
WZ: Bass?  
AX: I captchalogue something and then play a riff on my base for each separate item.  
WZ: Wow, that is kinda badass.  
AX: And what about your Strife Specibus?  
WZ: My what?  
AX: John, we've had this shit for years.  
AX: Do you even know your left foot from your dick?  
WZ: I guess that's why I always wear my socks on my crotch then.  
AX: Do you put your shoes on too?  
AX: Do you get your Grandmother to help you "tie" it? ;3  
WZ: Oh god… Why are we still friends?  
AX: 'Cause you fucking love me.  
WZ: Maybe.  
WZ: Or maybe it's because I tend to keep ugly people by my side to make me look better.  
AX: The feeling is mutual.

AX: Even though we haven't met yet.  
AX: Shit, we've been rambling.  
AX: YOUR STRIFE SPECIBUS  
AX: WHAT IS IT?  
WZ: I don't think I have anything allocated for it.  
AX: You should go find something then.  
AX: Get something awesome.

== Get something awesome

You remember the Machete you have just laying around in your chest.  
Get that shit out of there.  
You walk over to your chest and captchalogue your Machete, then allocate it as your permanent strife specibus. No one will fuck with you now. You've got this shit on lock down.

== Report back to General Douchebag

WZ: I've got it  
AX: What did you allocate?  
WZ: That cheap piece of shit machete I always have lying around.  
AX: Sweet.  
AX: Did you get your copy of the game?  
WZ: It should be in the mail right now.  
AX: I have to go and find my copy.  
AX: I'll talk to you later, man.  
WZ: What the fuck are you still doing here?  
WZ: Who are you?  
WZ: Where am I?  
AX: …

- asshatXulonos [AX]ceased pestering wonderlessZephyr [WZ] -

Looks like you're going to have to go downstairs.  
It's not that you hate your father, it's the fact that he will bother you with the fact that you're sixteen.

The torturous jokes about maturity, god you can't stand them. Oh look, Skye has logged onto Pesterchum.

== Pester Skye

- wonderlessZephyr [WZ] began pestering delusionalArtist [DA] at 09:25 -

WZ: Hey Skye  
DA: Oh drat, I was hoping to contact you first, but it seems you beat me to it.  
DA: Salute, and happy day of birth, John.  
DA: Have you got a hold of any gifts yet?  
WZ: Oh shit, I don't know.  
WZ: Connor's been occupying me with learning my Sylladex and allocating my Strife Specibus.  
DA: You should really keep up with things.  
DA: It is kinda him to do that, though.  
WZ: Be the first to know about everything and remind me that I don't, like a dick?  
DA: Well that changes my opinon on your situation then.  
WZ: Fuck this situation.  
WZ: I'm going to see if there's anything around this house for me.  
DA: Why did you even bother with him if you knew he was going to irk you in the first place?  
DA: I doubt his knowledge was much help.  
WZ: Well he did help me allocate my Strife Specibus.  
WZ: Then he gave my Grandmother a penis and started telling fucked up stories.  
WZ: That's what it is with him every time!  
WZ: A plus and a minus.  
WZ: He could be a calculator for a kindergartener

DA: I don't think kindergarteners use calculators, John…  
WZ: Whatever, you get my point though, right?  
DA: I understand  
DA: I told myself I wouldn't inquire about it, but how exactly did he give your grandmother a male genitalia?  
WZ: I'd rather not repeat it.  
WZ: Maybe next time I'll open a memo and you can see all the fucked up shit that goes down whenever he and I talk.  
DA: I'm sure that would cause quite a bit of odd facial expressions.  
WZ: You don't know what odd facial expressions are until you've experienced one of our conversations.  
WZ: I'm going to see if I have any presents.  
WZ: I'll be back in a second.  
DA: Enjoy your gift hunting, then.  
- wonderlessZephyr [WZ] ceased pestering delusionalArtist [DA] -

You search around in your room and find nothing from your chest.  
What an inconvenience for you, you're going to have to go into the living room and look more.

You open the door into the hallway and delve in your surroundings.

It reeks of Tommy Bahama in this place. You swear, your father's obsession isn't normal, he owns almost everything that the company has ever created. Even most of the low-class shit he doesn't need, like the birds. Oh god, the fucking birds.  
You've grown up around your father's obsession with Tommy Bahama and his god awful parrots.

You walk downstairs to you living room which consists of two black leather chairs and a black leather sofa. The walls are paved with parrots and a large television sits in the center of it all.  
A small box and a note lays on the couch.

"Happy birthday, son.

I hope you're ready to begin accepting the responsibilities of an adult.

This is to start you off.'

You open the box to reveal that it is a package of condoms.

"God dammit Dad" You say to yourself.

There's another box near that one, you opened the box because the note lay atop it. The second box is a bit bigger. You attack it hoping that it's a legitimate present and not some sick joke played by your father.

Annndd..

It's a new fetch modus!

Fuck yes!  
This one wouldn't prove useful anyway. It's about as useful as a homeless man. What is this thing called? The Inception Modus?

Cool name. Let's see how it works.

You switch from the Hide and Seek modus to the Inception one and captchalogue the condoms, regretting it the instant you do. The Inception modus causes the item you captchalogue to multiply by three, minimizing your captchalogue space.

You only have eight cards. This is going to be useless after all.

After searching around for a few minutes you find two more Scott Pilgrim books and return to your room where Skye and Marc are both pestering you.

- delusionalArtist [DA] began pestering wonderlessZephyr [WZ] at 10:12 -

DA: Oh John, I seem to have forgotten to remind you.

DA: I have found my copy of the game and we can begin playing it soon.

DA: John?

WZ: Yeah, I'm here.  
WZ: Just found a few of my presents here.

DA: What have you acquired?  
WZ: A new modus and a box of condoms.  
DA: …  
DA: I'm going to ask about the modus first, if you don't mind.  
DA: What is it?  
WZ: The Inception Modus.  
WZ: It multiplies whatever I captchalogue by three.  
WZ: Filling up my other cards.  
WZ: At this point, I think I'd rather stick with Hide and Seek.

DA: You should be more appreciative of the gift you've received.  
DA: It may come in handy.  
WZ: As for the box of condoms…  
DA: Dear God, John…  
DA: Stop

DA: Now.  
DA: I will not hesitate to press the block button.  
WZ: Relax, it was just some sick fucking joke pulled by my old man.  
DA: I don't get it.  
WZ: Again, I'd rather not tell you.  
DA: Thank you for that mild kindness.  
WZ: You have your copy?  
DA: Yes, my brother has refitted me with his copy.  
DA: Since he does not care to play this "stupid game" I quote.

WZ: Alright.  
WZ: Shit, I still need to check the mail.  
DA: I will leave you alone until then.  
WZ: Alright, let me answer Marc first.  
DA: Farewell.

- delusionalArtist [DA] ceased pestering wonderlessZephyr [WZ] -

Now that she's done with, let's answer Marc.

== Answer Marc.

- rageMonster [RM] began pestering wonderlessZephyr [WZ] at 10:15 -

RM: Hey  
RM: Dude  
RM: Happy birthday :3  
WZ: Awh thanks man.  
WZ: Means a lot.  
RM: So did anyone else say hey?  
WZ: Connor and Skye.  
WZ: Connor got weird, like usual.  
WZ: And Skye continues rambling  
RM: Shit will never change.  
WZ: Oh dude, I got a new modus and I allocated my strife specibus.

RM: To what?  
WZ: That cheap shit machete I had lying around.  
RM: Nice, and the modus?  
WZ: Inception Modus.  
RM: Oh, I used to have that.  
RM: Then…  
RM: Well now I don't remember what fucking modus I have ._.  
WZ: Go look for it.  
WZ: I have to go get my copy of the game anyway.  
RM: I don't know where mine is either.  
WZ: We need to keep track of our shit…  
RM: Agreed.

- rageMonster [RM] ceased pestering wonderlessZephyr [WZ] -

You scurry back down to the living room, where your father has laid out another gift for you. What a considerate thing to do, since he gave you that box.  
Opening it, you find 12 captchalogue cards, which you instantly add to your Sylladex.  
You're one off from a perfect twenty one, dammit! Wait, you have another card somewhere around here. Problem solved.  
Your father appears to be in the kitchen trying his best to cook a cake. Another nice gesture.  
The mail is on the table though…  
It's going to take all your cunning to get past his awesome hearing.

You tiptoe dejectedly inside the kitchen and make off with the copy easy. That who awesome hearing thing was sarcasm. He can hear as well as Hellen Keller.

You hurry back up to your room and add the next captchalogue card to your Sylladex.

You can now captchalogue three of seven things. Ugh, fuck fractions, and math in general.

Connor is pestering you again.

== Answer Connor

- asshatXulonos [AX]began pestering wonderlessZephyr [WZ] at 10:25 -

AX: John  
AX: I've got my copy.  
AX: And I'm waiting on Marc to get his.  
AX: What's the order we're doing this in?  
WZ: Well, Skye is going to control my game.  
WZ: Marc is controlling Skye's game.  
WZ: and you're controlling Marc's game.  
WZ: Then I'm controlling yours.  
AX: Oh shit  
AX: Have you heard what they've been saying about this game?  
WZ: No, what are they saying?  
AX: Nothing.  
AX: There's no walkthrough or anything.  
AX: No one has ever finished the game either.  
WZ: They aren't gaming badasses like we are.  
WZ: We can totally win this shit.  
AX: Do you even know what it is?  
WZ: Guess we're going to find out.  
WZ: Help Marc with whatever he needs right now.  
WZ: I'm going to get started with Skye.  
AX: Your call dude.

- asshatXulonos [AX] ceased pestering wonderlessZephyr [WZ] -

You pop in the host and run the files to play.

- wonderlessZephyr [WZ] began pestering delusionalArtist [DA]  
WZ: Skye  
WZ: Are you ready to start this shit?  
DA: One second.  
DA: I'm dealing with one of the "female" trolls right now.  
WZ: Which one?  
DA: The one that talks like a psychopath.

WZ: So all of them?  
DA: You know who I mean.  
WZ: Why can't these assholes just leave us alone?  
WZ: We don't even have the slightest clue who they are.  
DA: I've tried backtracking their proxy.  
DA: All I get is a signal from space.  
WZ: How do they even manage something like that?  
WZ: For shitty trolls, they're pretty good.

DA: Right, well, install the client and then I will return momentarily.

WZ: Alright.

== Be the other girl

The other girl you currently are.

- straightJacket [SJ] began trolling delusionalArtist [DA] at 10:21 -

SJ: You Dont Know Wh4t Your3 St4rt1ng K1d

SJ: Som3 S3r1ous Fuck1n Sh1t 1s 4bout To Go Down Just B3c4us3 You 4nd Your Fr13nds F33l L1k3 H4v1ng Fun

DA: What the fuck are you talking about?  
SJ: Your Thro4t Slowly T34rs 4w4y From Your Body

SJ: 4 Shr1ll Of 4gon1z1ng Scr34ms C4n B3 H34rd From Your Thro4t

SJ: BUT 1T DO3SNT M4K3 S3NS3

SJ: YOUR H34D 1S OFF YOUR FUCK1NG BODY, HOW C4N YOU SCR34M?  
SJ: Th1s G4m3 4lt3rs 3v3ryth1ng You 3v3r Kn3w Wh3n 1t Com3s To B4s1c L1f3  
SJ: 3v3ryth1ng Ch4ng3 Th3n Sudd3nly Your3 Th3 B4d Guy For W4nt1ng To Pl4y  
SJ: Scr3w1ng Ov3r 3v3ryon3 Th4t 3v3r C4r3d 4bout You  
SJ: Wh1l3 Th3y Try 4nd K1ll You You Chuckl3 4t Th3 F4ct Th4t Th3y Onc3 C4r3d  
DA: Who the fuck are you even?  
DA: Some eccentric psychopathic version of HANNIBAL?  
DA: Well, it was fun hearing how I'm going to die.  
DA: Or… you're going to die.  
DA: I still don't quite understand your story.  
DA: Nor do I want to.  
DA: Arrivaderci, crazy-ass.  
SJ: W41t

SJ: 1 4polog1z3 For My D3t41l3d D3scr1pt1on Of Your D34th  
SJ: Wh3n 1 T4lk 4bout D34th 1 Just G3t So H4ppy  
SJ: 1ts Som3th1ng Th4t 4mus3s M3

DA: Glad I could amuse you with the thought of my slow and painful yelps of terror.  
DA: Goodbye.

SJ: Oh So S1lly 4nd N41v3

SJ: Th4ts Just L1k3 You Sky3  
DA: How do you know my name?  
SJ: You Told M3  
SJ: How3v3r S1nc3 You Dont R3m3mb3r 4ll Th4t W3 H4v3 T4lk3d 4bout

SJ: 1ll R31ntroduc3 Mys3lf

SJ: 1 4m V3st3r  
DA: Goodbye, Vester

- delusionalArtist [DA] blocked straightjacket [SJ] -

SJ: Oh You Stup1d Stup1d G1rl

- straightjacket [SJ] ceased trolling ? -

Whatever.  
Stuff like that doesn't bother you anymore.  
Perhaps you should get a proper introduction.

God it's dark in here.

== Enter Name

BITCH OF WHIMSY

What do you gain from messing up? Try again.

SKYE VEGA.

Your name is SKYE VEGA. As was previously mentioned you are without daylight, although you've simply resorted to turning your LIGHTS on, you can still use your LAPTOP. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for FICTIONAL LITERATURE & MANGA. You enjoy arts and crafts and are SOMEWHAT PRIDEFUL ABOUT IT, but not really. You have a fondness for ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY FELINES, and sometimes dabble in FORENSICS. You also like to BUILD, and your room is a CREATIVE MESS. And more than often, if the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with anyone and everyone. You are usually labled as a TOMBOY.

What shall you do?

GO BATSHIT WITH YOUR SCYTHE AND WACK THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING

No!  
You certainly don't want to destroy all of the nice things in your room.  
Your wise mind is the reason why you HAVE nice things.

EXAMINE ROOM

Your room is atrocious! There's absolutely no way you're going to examine it yet.  
Although plot progression dictates that you must state your location, awh to hell with it. Your bed is the epicenter of your room. Clothes, paper, and random tools scatter all across your room, orbiting your bed.

You are wearing a shirt with a cute cat on it, and your long jeans conceal your black sneakers.

== Captchalogue garbage

There's no way you are cluttering your Sylladex with that crap. You decide to leave it alone for now and captchalogue your Scythe.  
With your (Insert modus) you can (Insert modus description here).

It seems that someone wants your attention.

== Answer friend

- asshatXulonos [AX]began pestering delusionalArtist [DA] at 10:31 -

AX: Skye

AX: Skye  
AX: Guess what.  
DA: What is it?  
AX: 8====D  
AX: I'm so happy that we're playing this game.  
DA: The subtlety of your penis joke doesn't amuse me in the least bit.

DA: It saddens me a bit…

AX: Well, hey, I'm sorry about that.  
DA: 8====C

AX: Oh fuck, you got me xD  
DA: You can't beat the master.  
DA: I have spent years training in reverse dickitry all the way up in Beijing.  
DA: The monks there showed me their way.  
DA: I spent years cultivating the perfect technique.  
AX: Uhh..  
DA: It was difficult  
DA: But at the end of the road, it will all be worth it.  
AX: Skye..  
DA: Stay true to your ways, young monk.  
AX: YOU'RE RAMBLING, BITCH.

DA: Oh…  
DA: I tend to do that often.  
DA: I'm actually quite fond of my rambling.  
DA: Lets me delve deeper into the conversation  
DA: Bring out my personality through words.  
AX: STOP IT

DA: I was doing it again wasn't I…

AX: You're like a broken lawnmower.  
AX: Once you can't stop it, people die.  
DA: Interesting analogy.  
AX: I just pulled it out of my ass.  
DA: Like every other one of your opinions?  
AX: -clap clap-  
AX: Well done.  
AX: I'm impressed.  
DA: I try.

AX: You succeed.  
AX: Are you ready to start the game with John?  
DA: I believe so.  
DA: I'm installing the host server right now.  
AX: This is the final installment of the game, you know.  
AX: No one knows where the other copies are.

DA: Strange.  
DA: No one?  
AX: Disappeared off the face of the fuckin' planet.  
DA: I'm sure they'll turn up someday.  
AX: This isn't a situation you have to be optimistic about

DA: I'm being hopeful that we'll learn about the other copies then.


End file.
